Well, I was gone from the blogging scene for quite some time while I reinvented my site to create a fresh new look. I always knew I wouldn't stay with what I started with, and I'm happy to say that while it continues to be a work, there has now been significant progress. I'm with a new website host, which means a new domain name (I mean let’s be real... today with tiff? It was cute for like a second). If you do however feel like reliving those glorious moments you had laughing at the witty and clever (yet humbly profound) remarks I made, you may always visit todaywithtiff.wordpress.com.
I'd like to jump right in to some things that have been weighing heavy on my heart. I am an avid journaler (one who journals); I journal on average 3- 4 times a week (and hefty entrances, too). I've gotten to the place where really the only way to relieve stress, anxiety, and overwhelming thoughts and emotions is to journal about them. Most of my prayers go straight from my heart on to the pages of my journal, along side nearly every deep, emotional, heavy thought that weighs on me. I say this to point out that despite my ability to communicate my thoughts and emotions on paper that no one ever sees, I very much believe there is something profound to be said about sharing those types of things with anyone who will read it. So here it is.
I have never been more frustrated, uncomfortable and aggravated with life than I am now; than I have been for the past six months.
So much about who I am and what I want is, and continues to change, and that is as humbling as it is irritating. In my earnest efforts to be constantly self-aware, I can boldly say that this is a time in my life of refinement. I find that I am continually challenged to push myself to be better, to do more, to complain less, to help others, to be generous, to be considerate, to be kind, to work hard. My faith has taken a journey to find its way into the deepest and darkest parcels of my heart, anchoring and creating roots amid doubts, questions, fears, and frustrations.
And yet I have never been more thankful for a season than I am for this one. The value of what I'm learning, of how I am thinking and of who I am becoming simply by being in this time far exceeds the temporary pangs of defeat and discomfort. In those moments, I know I am changing. I feel the physical pain of refinement when I opt out of selfish deeds and take up a task for the benefit of another. It doesn't always happen that way. In fact, I fail often. And when I do, it is then that I experience a grace that is truly beyond my comprehension. Can I just be really honest here? I hate how uncomfortable I am at the thought of a God who freely gives grace, and I hate trying to understand what that actually means in this petty life of mine.
It's uncomfortable and messy in my heart and mind to change and grow. It's hard to discipline myself to be better. But every day I am grateful that I even have the opportunity to earnestly study to know Him more. How thankful I am that God would allow me this time to be refined, to be challenged, to be frustrated, to be molded. Because for every moment of bitterness and irk that I experience, He meets me with that much more love, that much more patience, that much more kindness, with that much more grace.
I’ve talked to so many friends who are going through a similar time of frustration, whether due to insecurity, fear, uncertainty, or otherwise. I hope this encourages you to pursue Him more. The scripture I lean on the most is Hebrews 11:6: “For without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” Know that even in your challenges and frustrations, God rewards diligence and earnestness, and He will meet you where you’re at, no matter what.
Thanks for reading along, friends. I'm always so encouraged when someone shares that they have read my blog. It isn't easy being transparent and honest, so I'm always so appreciative of being acknowledged and affirmed. You guys rock.